"Dress like a girl," they tell me. I shrug, looking down at my baggy black t-shirt that hides all of my curves, which practically blends in with my black pants and black shoes. The only spots of color are fingerless gloves. Blue stripes. It's April, who wears gloves in April? I can hear their thoughts. She looks like a freak.


So now I'm dressed like a girl. A black tank top. A leopard skirt with some black netting underneath. What am I supposed to get out of this? Am I supposed to feel better? More attractive? I know what it makes me feel. I want to cut my legs off. I have shut and locked my door. Drawn the blinds. I am hiding under two comforters. You can't make out the shape of a body under here. Under here, I'm unnoticeable. Invisible.

This tank top shows my figure. I've lost fifteen pounds since I got here, I weigh less than I did in high school, but I still think I look grotesque. I'm dressed like a girl, so everyone can see me. I can't let them see this, so I don't eat. Only some sugar to ensure I don't crash. My eyebrow twitches with the lack of nourishment. The colors of the room swirl around me and I'm not quite sure what color the walls are. I eat some more sugar, just in case. I can't feel my tongue.

Maybe I should eat. You would yell at me if you knew I hadn't eaten. But I don't tell you. You have other things to worry about. I make a sandwich. Turkey, cheese, mayonnaise. I reluctantly eat it. As soon as the last crumb has passed my lips, I am ashamed of myself. I can't lose weight this way. I want you to think I'm pretty. I'm never going to be pretty enough.

I've given up for today. It has been too much. I can't deal with people right now, so I put on headphones without listening to anything. The headphones block the sounds of happiness coming from the window and they allow me an excuse to not talk to people as they go in and out. I feel kind of pathetic. As weird as it is, I just want to talk to someone. But these people aren't the right someones. I don't know who I'm looking for.

Until then, this is me, day after day. Confused and lost. But it's okay, really.

Mmm.

Okay. I haven't written in this in forever. But I totally need this. I am angsty and roar and just everything. I need to rant. Let's go!

So, I play Gaia. Yep, lame, but whatever, it's somthing to do when I'm mindlessly staring at the bright screen of my MacBook, as I've run out of flash games with the same repeated puzzles and adventures and the like. Well, anyway, on Gaia I frequent this one charity thread. I'm drawn to charity threads, I guess, as the people are usually friendly and whatnot, and I enjoy the nonchalant banter and discussion. There's this thing that the mods of the charity came up with, where they have an entire post dedicated to awareness ribbons--those coloured ribbons that signify diseases or memorandum of those lost at war or whatnot. So, the idea was, all of the regulars go on the wiki page and choose what colours and how many ribbons we want up there; I thought this was pretty neat by this point. I found that the wiki page was pretty vague, only having a few colours with some main causes, so I googled awareness ribbon colours because I really wanted to find one for lung cancer. Lung cancer is one of the things that hits me really hard, I hate it, it vexes me and makes my blood boil. Eventually, I found a website that has the ribbons alphabetized by cause--great! I added some colours to my list and sent the website along with my list to the moderator. Lung cancer is the pearl ribbon, by the way. So, all is well and the girl is like, "That's great, but I'm not going to share the link with everyone because it will get confusing." Yeah, fine, whatever. But then she sends a message back to me after I say that's fine. Well, you see, the ribbons on the site I found were of a different style than the wiki ones and the ones that were not on the wiki would be posted on the thread in that different style. Furthermore, she singles out the pearl ribbon and says that she is going to remove it because it 'annoys her' and doesn't fit in. WHAT THE FUCK? I mean, I know that she has no idea that it is the most important ribbon to me, but it shouldn't matter. These are about awareness, who the fuck cares if the ribbons aren't all the same style? It's what matters most to those who share the ribbons, it doesn't matter any less than anyone else's choice of ribbon. Jesus Christ. I'm on the verge of requesting her to remove all of the ribbons I selected. It was an insensitive move that was overall juvenile and completely of self-interest in a situation that is supposed to be in thinking of others.

I feel a little better now. I'm glad. Alright then.. Thanks.

When a moose wants a muffin, don't give him one. He'll throw it around and ruin it and think it's his to do whatever he wants with it. All he'll ever do is ask for more, never being satisfied. This moose is like that kid you hated in middle school who grew up to be really into knives and thought he was really cool by holding them by the handle in his mouth. He should probably miss and cut his mouth open. At least you could ask him how he got his scars. But either way, you don't want to give the moose the muffin. Save the muffin. Just do it. Before it's too late and the muffin is forever ruined. There is no happy ending. Said muffin won't turn into a beautiful princess by result of finding the moose who thinks he's a king. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. All of your dreams of happiness are forever ruined, just because of this one decision. It may seem like a good time at first, or for the next six or seven times, but no, it's not. It's horrible and life ruining and an embodiment of complete death. It's a never-ending cycle of misery that is unescapable. All you need to do is save the muffin.

This is going to be quite random...

I'm using Chinese toilet paper in my bathroom. Now, that may seem odd to you or you may say, "Well, everything is made in China, so that MUST be what you're talking about." Nope. It's from China. The wrapper is in Chinese and it's completely different than whatever brands people use, like Charmin, which has quite frightening commercials, I must add. So, anyway, where did I get this Chinese toilet paper (other than the obvious answer of China)? I suppose Ting Ting left it here. People bringing toilet paper with them when they travel?! If you've never been to China or studied how they live there, you probably would think that carrying toilet paper around is kind of weird, so let me explain. A lot of their public bathrooms are just holes in the ground with no toilet paper. I'm not sure about their home bathrooms, but that's how the public ones are. If you're ever thinking about traveling to China, I advise you bring a lot of packs of Kleenex two-ply travel tissues or a small roll of toilet paper wherever you go. The hotel bathrooms are very nice, though. So anyway, whatever kind of toilet paper they have, it's really thin and is literally two layers, not stuck together like ours. To get a better idea what I'm talking about, you probably used to take tissues and pull them into two layers as a little kid. It's stuck together and always took a bit of maneuvering, right? Well, this has two layers, but thicker, and aren't stuck together. I was confused at first as to if you were supposed to use one at a time, so you'd have like two rolls built in one, but I guess you use both. It's interesting how different things such as toilet paper can be amongst cultures.

On another note, does anyone like stuffed animals? I really like stuffed animals. I may be having a backwards mentality here as I'm approaching my birthday, but stuffed animals are really fun. I feel I may be deprived as a child, never having won one of those giant stuffed bears or monkeys from the fairs. I've never been good at those things, nor gone to fairs much. Stuffed animals are so fun, though. I recently purchased two from the Sanrio store on Broadway. One's a large pink monkey and the other one is a small handheld Kuromi plush. I want to start collecting more and more, just for the fun of it. I've never really collected anything. I must be missing out on something.

I want to go on a diet. Well, not so much a diet, but I want to get more in shape. I need to exercise. Occasionally, I walk a few miles and say I'm going to do this everyday, but it doesn't last long at all. I'm somewhat fearful that I'm going to get more out of shape now that I'm not taking a gym class this year in school. I have no outside exercise, but I eat a lot. I need to fix this. I don't want to starve myself, but I don't want to gain weight. I think I should get a treadmill. But are those expensive? I believe we may have a broken electric bike, but I'd still be getting the workout, even if it wasn't turned on.

Unfortunately, without gym, I'm not taking a class that I won't have to study for. And also, I won't be in school for the first two months. I'm kind of nervous about that, since I have to learn all of my information on my own. The classes I'll be attending will be in Chinese. I don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm sure I'll be able to understand the math classes, but I'm not so sure about the other ones. I'm having trouble teaching myself so far, though. I'm okay with psychology, getting there with calculus, but I can't remember anything in US history. And I'm not making any progress on reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. I've read this book before, when I was, like, seven-years-old, so I don't understand why it is a required book to read for AP 11 English. Only a week left until school and I don't know how I'm going to do this.

ciao <3

I feel the need to write. Just write. Get some stuff out there.

With two weeks of school left for me, stress is at its peak. It's insane. I've already started exams and I don't particularly like them at all. I'm especially worried about my AP World History exam. I don't really know what to expect, but I don't know if I'm going to do so well. I'm studying and everything, but it doesn't seem to be working. Oh well, I'll figure it out.

On the other hand, I have twenty-two days until I leave! I'm so excited, but I'm so scared at the same time. Ahhhh. hahaha. And I'm anxious about leaving because it will be the last time I see a lot of people.

Speaking of which, I protest to Kevin moving to California this summer. It greatly saddens me. Thus, I am hanging out with him over the summer and whatnot. Hopefully.

So I'm supposed to be doing history homework right now, but it's not actually homework, it's extra credit. I'm doing it anyway (because I need it), but I'm just taking a small break. Besides, I'm almost done anyway.

Ahh. And English. I have approximately a week to do my literary criticism essay, which we just started, while everyone else has maybe a month. Unfair! haha. Oh well, I'll manage.

I don't know what else to write now.

Except I have the same shirt as Nick, but in a different colour. Same with Hannah, because I'm wearing both shirts at the same time!

[holla at H^2 by the way!! because I feel short around her and Nick. All the time. Tis unfair.]

roar jeff is here

I'm so sick. I hate it. haha

I don't want to be sick, I don't like missing school. Make-up work is absurd and some of my teachers will be totally not nice about it. It's like OH WELL YOU SHOULD'VE DONE THIS WORKSHEET WHEN YOU WERE SICK. You mean, the worksheet I didn't have because you gave it out in class? It's not like I was planning being absent and could've asked for work ahead of time. Plus, I don't have a bunch of time to make things up because there's only two days until spring break. This is so frustrating.

On the other hand, I have had a hands-on vampire experience. Not to be explained unless you ask in person/AIM.